192.6

I may fall and break my hip soon. Tonight I ran 3.05 miles here in Albany right as the streets were beginning to become slippery with freezing droplets of rain glazing the concrete and cement. My sneakers–which I hope to retire soon–are coming apart but they still have some treads left on them and so I was able to get through the nastiness on the ground without taking a header into something real hard. The coldness came on quickly. It’s been warmer here lately and the temperature may have dropped five degrees while I put on my well-worn sneakers.  I noticed that the further I ran, the harder my rain-soaked hair became. It was nice.

When I weighed in I was 192.6, which is about a pound more than the same time yesterday. For Lent, I’ve given up a few things (although it’s only Ash Wednesday). One of those things is weighing myself on a daily basis. I gave myself a 20 pounds in 20 weeks goal and I have until nearly mid-May to achieve it, which I know I can do. It feels much easier than before. I’m thinking more positively before and dealing with the fluctuations much better than I have ever done. Add to that, I’m eating better. Things feel good. Even on a miserable freezing rain night such as this.

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Fatness bothers me.

You ever see those news segments on CNN, MSNBC, FOX or the nightly news on the epidemic of obesity? While the reporter narrates their piece they do it over footage of random fat people crossing busy city streets. The shot is always from the waist down and the person is oblivious of the fact that their gross legs and rear end will be broadcast to a nation.

I used to feel bad for those people, but now when I think about it I can’t. A person who has gained too much weight in the last few years (though it’s been melting off pretty good), I know that no matter where you are in public, people see you.

For several months when I was at my heaviest I worked at a state agency here in New York (known for it’s fat people) which had a corridor with very reflective glass, I used to look away as I passed it. I couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror. Certainly, in my mind I knew that I’d gotten fat, but I couldn’t bear to look at my image. It was a perverse denial of sorts. After all, I was fat, 224 pounds at one point. I’m now under 200, but still overweight.

Regardless, the one thing that I know for sure is that when a person is not comfortable with who they are, they are more likely to have maladaptive behaviors like overeating or using drugs. To do so helps a person avoid dealing with the fact that they don’t like where they are in life, where they’re going and where they’ve been.  I know because I’ve been in that position.

A recent story that made headlines in the news of the weird sections circulating in American newspapers speaks to our nation’s obesity epidemic.

It’s a depressing thing when we have people who can accept the fact that that they are fat and do nothing about it. Just like myself avoiding my reflection in the Department of Transportation building window, a person who denies their fatness is doing their self a horrible disservice.

We are now the most obese nation in the world, a country filled with fast food joints, buffet style restaurants and eateries that advertise the big plate, 16-pound sirloin and all-you-can-eat fixings. It’s upsetting to think that I’m a part of that trend and the sad state of our dietary lifestyle. I don’t want to be, so I’m taking the bull by its horns and doing all that I can to melt away my fat. It’s not as hard as it seems. After all, I have good motivation, I don’t want to be one of those people taped for the nightly news walking across the street for a segment on obesity.