Watching unsimulated sex movies

Ever since I came across a list of mainstream movies containing unsimulated sex, I have set out to rent through Netflix those that seem most interesting, graphic or shocking. Certainly, it’s not as titilating as real pornography, but at least this way I don’t feel the Rosary bead clutching guilt because I’m watching something that I can get through Netflix, something that was shown in a theater without sweaty men in sweat pants. So far, I’ve managed to rent three, one of which, Brown Bunny, I wrote about for another Web site.

Of the three I’ve so far rented, all are awkward and slow moving. It feels as if you could ferment grapes, start a family and retire to Florida and die before they even get going. Whether it was Vince Gallo’s near 10-minute opening motorcycle race sequence in Brown Bunny or the laboriously sluggish and disjointed dialog of glorified skin flick 9 Songs, I have come to realize already that movies that involve real blowjobs, coitus and insertion of any kind really are just porn. Porn, but shocking and much more boring.

The other night I watched Battle in Heaven. Most of the movies that come in the red envelope are not of the red light variety and so I forgot what the film was when I pulled it from it’s sleeve and read the title. Although it seems to me that movies containing unsimulated boning are attempts by filmmakers to rattle the viewer, I chose not to read anything about this film to begin with and so going into it, the only thing I knew about the plot was that somewhere contained in the movie, someone screwed or sucked on or maybe even fingered.

Whereas Brown Bunny lulls you to sleep before the movie can get going and the graphic sex is obscured by more than an hour of molasses-paced scenes, Battle in Heaven hits you with the graphic stuff right up front. It also has a sedative effect. The film opens with a long shot of a beautiful young woman performing fellatio on a disgusting big-bellied man who betrays no bit of satisfaction from what he is receiving. The blowjob is in a blank, undistinguished room and has absolutely no relevance to the movie whatsoever.

When the film kinda, sorta gets going it centers around Marcos (the blowjob recipient), who works as a security guard for an unidentified Mexican general somewhere in Mexico City. We deign, through an incredibly off-putting conversation in the next scene that Marcos and his wife Berta are grieving for some baby who has died. The scene is terribly long and like most bad independent films and probably all movies containing unsimulated sex, contains mostly static shots.  While they converse in a subway station, Marcos watches passersby, including a man carrying a bag of urine, attached to his bladder. It’s shocking and disturbing and totally irrelevent.

This woman has explicit sex in Battle In Heaven

It turns out that Marcos is the driver for the general’s daughter, Ana, who was also the girl performing fellatio at the beginning of the film. In another awkward scene, Marcos drives Ana from the airport to her job working an an upscale brothel. She hooks Marcos up with another prostitute but in another graphic scene we see Marcos standing in the corner with his wall-nut-sized penis shriveled up into his giant gut. Ana comes upstairs to see him and he reveals to her that he and his wife kidnapped a child who died in their custody. She tells him he must turn himself into the police and the scene ends.

We see this man's penis several times in Battle In Heaven

What follows next is absolutely the most unnecessary and vulgar scene put in a film (and I’m including the dog shit-eating sequence in Pink Flamingos). Marcos and Berta – who looks something like Paul Rodriguez but much larger – go at it, with Marcos pounding her from behind. Naturally, the filmmaker mixes the profane with the sacred and camera pans to a portrait of Jesus above their marital bed. The sex is awkward, but their post-coital nakedness is even more unsettling; these globs of sweaty fat flesh, fully naked. It was easily the most disturbing thing I’ve scene in a long time and it made me run an extra mile yesterday to protect against ever being half as fat as these two. The scene closes with Marcos telling Berta that he’s revealed to Ana about the dead kid. She upbraids him for it but forgives him and pleads with him not to turn himself in until at least he’s gone on a religious pilgrimage with her.

A scene or two later (I can’t remember, because I put it on fast forward) Marcos somehow convinces Ana to ride him like a bike. As they lay in their post-coital bliss – she actually looked satisfied and he mortified – she again tells him he must turn himself in.

Something else happens after the sex scene. I think it involved Marcos masturbating to a soccer game and then hanging out with his family in a bean field.

The movie ends with Marcos confronting Ana again, only to be told once more to go to the authorities. He exits her apartment after Ana’s boyfriend leaves for the newspaper. Standing in the hallway, Marcos pees in his pants (ostensibly because of fear). He returns to Ana’s apartment and slashes her through her arm, causing her to bleed to death.

Sex and violence over, Marcos goes on a religious pilgrimage and the movie ends. No battles. No heaven, but the mercy of it being over.

I’ll continue watching some of the movies containing unsimulated sex, because they provide a shocking otherworld feeling. But I have a feeling if they are anything like Brown Bunny, 9 Songs and Battle In Heaven, I’m in for some long painful viewing.


2 Responses

  1. […] where do these filmmakers get off violating us with their slow moving piece of shit indie films. As I posted earlier I’ve been attempting to watch some films with unsimulated sex and I’m already coming to […]

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